I was honestly dreading today. Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate woman everywhere who day in and day out work very hard for their families. I know looking back at my childhood my Mother deserved more than one day to be celebrated, so I have a hard time feeling sorry for myself on this day. Yes, I so badly want to be an earthly mother but is it an excuse for me to pout? In a long round about way yes.
I recently read a post about a woman who got upset because she was forced to recognize the pain others experience on this day. It made me realize something. Mothers want to be selfish on this day – and they should be. They spend all of their time serving their children and families and on this day they deserve to think of themselves.
Which brings me to my point. I’m a different kind of mother. I’m the kind that had to give her six children back. I’m the mother no one notices because I can’t talk about my children the way you do. I never heard their first cry, watched them take their first step or send them off to kindergarten. I held their life inside of me until Jesus took them home and on this day I also deserve to be selfish. I deserve to celebrate that life – however brief and painful it was. I deserve to acknowledge the horrific emotional pain I’ve endured to get to this Mother’s Day. I deserve to have my moment to cry, to reflect, to mourn and to feel my motherhood.
The motherhood I experience is far different from this woman. We celebrate and reflect for opposite reasons. I don’t judge her or hate her for her reaction – she simply doesn’t understand. How could she? She’s never experienced this motherhood before.
Even though I was dreading today it ended up turning out to be exactly what I needed. I spent the morning at church then received a sweet and touching poem from a thoughtful family member. Here it is:
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to filll the womb
But there’s no need to stay.
I just don’t understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
“We go to earth and learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
“Mommy don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I’m here.”
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are OK
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me
Until your lesson is through
And on the day that you come home
They’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother
It’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start!!!
So beautiful and so perfect. It brought me to tears reading it out loud to Scott. I had my moment in the car of pain and despair. My acknowledgment of my journey and I let it out. Scott held my hand, teared up and comforted me. He let me cry and mourn and feel. He allowed me my moment and was there for me when I needed it most. I then spent the rest of the day with his family eating great food out in 80* weather. It was wonderful.
I needed that moment. To see my husband acknowledge my pain and experience it with me. And this morning he was the first one to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. It’s been tough on the both of us. We have had more bad days than good recently but today reminded me of our strength. We have endured and conquered by the grace of God some horrible things. But we are survivors. And this Mother’s Day I’m not ashamed of my story. I’m sad and I took the time I needed to “pout” but I also put myself together to celebrate all Mothers out there – which I didn’t think would be possible today.
I’m grateful for today – however painful it may be. I know that I’m healing and moving forward. Today reminded me of that. And I’m so glad to finally see progress in this journey where their hasn’t been for a while.
As always thanks for reading and for allowing my story to be a part of yours.