Honest Faith

In the past two years of our journey through six miscarriages and four years of infertility I’ve noticed something that bothers me.  A lot!  I’m a Christian and I believe in God, and when I struggle I feel like some people get the wrong impression during these trials.  The way people talk to me sometimes and the things they say I feel like they want me to handle it more gracefully with more of a positive attitude.  I refuse to do that because it’s not honest.

Let me clear something up here.  During our 4 1/2 years in Alaska, Scott served as a Christian Education Director and then Youth Pastor at our church.  It’s what brought us to Alaska in the first place.

All this to say I think that serving in the church in that capacity and us being Christians, people assume we endure trials with smiles on our faces and still go to church happy.  And “people” including other Christians themselves.

This post might make some people angry but if you end up understanding where I’m coming from then I’ve accomplished my goal here.  Here it goes.

Miscarriage sucks.  Infertility sucks.  And having faith during this trial that has lasted YEARS sucks.  Get my point yet?  I still believe in God and Jesus and have faith that eventually somehow, someway it will all work out.  However, that doesn’t mean I don’t go to church mad sometimes.  It doesn’t mean that I’m not human.  It also (which will surprise some people) doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with severe anxiety and need a Xanax on occasion.  I’m just being honest.

I’ve struggled in my faith the past few years.  Not in the struggle where I don’t think God is real, but the struggle in wondering why God allows this to happen to us, while others have multiple drug addicted babies.  It doesn’t make sense and it makes me mad and probably overly so.

Faith to me looks a lot different than it does to some other people.  I personally believe it’s good to ask questions and continue to do so as your faith changes and grows.  I think some people have settled in their faith and refuse to grow because they are complacent.  That doesn’t work for me.

Especially not when there is a broken world and I’m hurting.  I’m gonna ask God tough questions, have bad days, not want to be in church and struggle to pray.  Then there will be easier days that church is easy and I want to be there, where praying comes naturally and I’m not asking God “WHY!?!?!”

Faith is ever-changing and so are we.  If we are changing and our faith is not, there is a problem.  This journey has changed me to my core, so why wouldn’t my faith continue to evolve and grow?  And who says that journey in itself is “perfect”.  Honest faith is challenging and brutal and it takes heart and courage.  It takes knowing that things suck right now but they wont forever.

This might challenge people who know me and who know my heart.  But I’m glad it does.  After all, I’m not “normal” anyway ;).


8 thoughts on “Honest Faith

  1. I love this post. I completely understand where you’re coming from and have written about my anger at God and my struggles with trusting Him in my ttc journey as well. Faith isn’t easy or everyone would pursue it! It is challenging, gut-wrenching, and painful through many seasons of life and sometimes it feels like it doesn’t get any easier — but over time it does produce a true dependence on God, which is what He longs for us anyway.

    God understands that we have complex emotions, that we are going to be really down sometimes and find it especially hard to trust Him, even that we’ll get mad with Him from time to time. (And I like to think that in particular journeys like ours, He gives us a extra dose of grace every morning because He knows how hard it is on us.) More than anything He just wants us to come to Him…and I don’t think He expects us to be perfectly happy in doing so. Many times, for me, I’m a blubbering mess when I fall to my knees, angry, tearful, and crying out “I give up!”.

    Thanks for writing this post. I don’t see a lot of Christian ttc/miscarriage blogs and it helps to know I’m not alone. Know that I am praying for you! God is producing such a strength in you. He sees how incredibly difficult this battle is for you — and how much you are trying to give it to Him, despite how you feel most days. He sees your heart.

    • Wow, thank you for your response and for reading! I just started reading your blog and I can relate to so many things you are saying. Thanks for being courageous and writing about this. I think so many people don’t understand what it’s like and they wont know unless we keep writing. It makes me so happy to meet someone else who is a Christian who is also suffering. I feel like it brings such a different dynamic to the whole suffering process. I’m not happy for the reason that you’re here but happy we can keep in touch and get through it together!

      • Absolutely! As soon as I wrote my comments I realized there was one other thing I had forgotten to say — I am so, so sorry. I was immediately humbled once I started reading your blog and saw what you had been through, the six early miscarriages — especially with no explanations why. I have only been through one, and we don’t know why, but we also don’t have any reason right now not to hope for the best in the future. So with that said, I am so sorry you have to go through what you’re going through. I cannot fathom six miscarriages, I cannot fathom getting an “I don’t know” from my doctor, and I cannot fathom how it must feel to approach trying to conceive with that kind of history. My heart truly goes out to you. I definitely didn’t mean to equate my experience with yours, but I hope that I can somehow be an encouragement to you as much as you have already been to me!

  2. Oh your so sweet. The thing about it is each loss is separate and comes with it’s own complexities. I learned that one the hard way. After our fifth loss I went right back to work and pretended it didn’t happen which resulted in me having a literal mental breakdown. Our stories may not be identical but they are similar. You know what it’s like to love a child that you never got to hold. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been through it – it’s awful. And you understand the deep complexities that come with it. I pray your next pregnancy is uneventful and perfect. No one should have to lose this many babies. Thank you so much for your prayers as well…it helps to know I have people out there lifting us up.

  3. I really love this post. 🙂 Faith does look different to people like you and me after having been through so much! I totally get what you are saying. I often tell people it’s just a “raw faith.” I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just me and Jesus and no fluff! Um, also, thank you for the nomination for the Sunshine Award. That is so sweet of you. It’s always nice to have the encouragement to know our writing has struck a chord. I’ll be back – glad to have “met” you 🙂

  4. Thank you for your post. My husband and I have been through 6 miscarriages in a row now with no living children and no medical answers.
    As a Christian you are so right, it’s hard because of how others perceive how I am supposed to deal with our grief. Thank you for your post! Praying for your miracle and renewed hope for your future – I know the more miscarriages you have the smaller your hope becomes. For me- at least. It’s quite a roller coaster . god bless you!

    • Wow you don’t find people very often that have also been through that many miscarriages. I’m so sorry that you’ve also been through this. Let’s stick together and keep praying for one another.

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