In the past two years of our journey through six miscarriages and four years of infertility I’ve noticed something that bothers me. A lot! I’m a Christian and I believe in God, and when I struggle I feel like some people get the wrong impression during these trials. The way people talk to me sometimes and the things they say I feel like they want me to handle it more gracefully with more of a positive attitude. I refuse to do that because it’s not honest.
Let me clear something up here. During our 4 1/2 years in Alaska, Scott served as a Christian Education Director and then Youth Pastor at our church. It’s what brought us to Alaska in the first place.
All this to say I think that serving in the church in that capacity and us being Christians, people assume we endure trials with smiles on our faces and still go to church happy. And “people” including other Christians themselves.
This post might make some people angry but if you end up understanding where I’m coming from then I’ve accomplished my goal here. Here it goes.
Miscarriage sucks. Infertility sucks. And having faith during this trial that has lasted YEARS sucks. Get my point yet? I still believe in God and Jesus and have faith that eventually somehow, someway it will all work out. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t go to church mad sometimes. It doesn’t mean that I’m not human. It also (which will surprise some people) doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with severe anxiety and need a Xanax on occasion. I’m just being honest.
I’ve struggled in my faith the past few years. Not in the struggle where I don’t think God is real, but the struggle in wondering why God allows this to happen to us, while others have multiple drug addicted babies. It doesn’t make sense and it makes me mad and probably overly so.
Faith to me looks a lot different than it does to some other people. I personally believe it’s good to ask questions and continue to do so as your faith changes and grows. I think some people have settled in their faith and refuse to grow because they are complacent. That doesn’t work for me.
Especially not when there is a broken world and I’m hurting. I’m gonna ask God tough questions, have bad days, not want to be in church and struggle to pray. Then there will be easier days that church is easy and I want to be there, where praying comes naturally and I’m not asking God “WHY!?!?!”
Faith is ever-changing and so are we. If we are changing and our faith is not, there is a problem. This journey has changed me to my core, so why wouldn’t my faith continue to evolve and grow? And who says that journey in itself is “perfect”. Honest faith is challenging and brutal and it takes heart and courage. It takes knowing that things suck right now but they wont forever.
This might challenge people who know me and who know my heart. But I’m glad it does. After all, I’m not “normal” anyway ;).