Our Birth Story

Wow. My birth story. I never thought I would write this post but I am. And I couldn’t be more happy to write it. I’ll start from the beginning and apologize as this might be long. Here we go!
At 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant on Sunday December 13th nesting was in full force. I was cleaning the house and trying to get odds and ends done to prepare for our baby boy. Most days he would be super active and kick me so hard it hurt. This day I noticed from about 3pm to 9pm I had hardly felt him move at all. This had happened a few times before and I was always sent in for testing. The testing was always reassuring but I was still nervous. I laid down on my left side and had some orange juice and he moved a few times but still wasn’t super active. Around 9-10pm I texted a nurse at work (the benefits of working in labor and delivery – thank you Justine!) and she prompted me to come in and get evaluated. 
So Scott and I headed in around 11pm. When we got to the hospital they put me on the monitor and Ezra was still not very active. It took a while for him to perk up and they sent me for an ultrasound. Again after a few hours everything checked out ok and we were able to go home. We didn’t get home until 2am and we were exhausted. I decided due to the lack of sleep that I would call out sick and try to get some rest. When I woke up on Monday December 14th I woke to a text message from my OB. She told me to call her when I woke up. 
I gave her a call and we discussed the previous night and the history of the pregnancy. Both of us agreed being term and having the persistent decreased fetal movement accompanied by our long history warranted an induction. So she said come in that day!!! All of the sudden it kind of hit me. We were going in to have a baby! I took a shower, shaved my legs, and got all ready and we headed back to the hospital. 
We arrived around 11:30am and I was admitted to Labor Room 3. My IV was started around noon and pitocin around 12:30. Since I was already 2cm dilated and 75% effaced from my last visit it was a great place to start the induction. I was also able to pick my nurses and I was so blessed to get my friend Beth. I walked, tried laying in bed, the birthing ball, etc. to try and get things going. Beth went home around 3:30 and my friend Katie took over. Around that time I started feeling contractions more intensely but they were still manageable. 
Around 6:00pm on Monday Dr. Dolloff came to check me and ruptured my membranes (broke my water). After this contractions became more painful and I decided to start nitrous. It definitely helped with the intensity of the contractions. My goal was to get to 5cm’s before getting an epidural. 
I managed with the nitrous until about 9:30-10pm and had Dr. Dolloff come back and check me. I was 4cm’s and started thinking about an epidural so Katie had anesthesia called. 
Anesthesia came in and we began a very difficult epidural. I have bulging discs and lower back issues that created a challenging placement for the doctor. Thank God for nitrous because it took 40 minutes to find the right place for the epidural and it was INCREDIBLY painful between nerve pain and contractions. And thank God for Scott and Katie because they really got me through that rough patch. 
Once the epidural was in it was much better. Although my left side was much more numb, I still had great anesthesia. Throughout the night I did have to have them come and top off my medication a few times but overall it was great pain relief. I was hoping to get some rest but that didn’t really happen. Between feeling some contractions and not really being that comfortable in the position I was in – it didn’t make for restful sleep. During the night Liz took care of me along with my best friend Dannielle. Liz and I had a wonderful middle of the night conversation about Jesus. It was awesome. 
In the morning I was able to have Beth back from the day before. I was already exhausted from not sleeping the previous two nights and didn’t know how I was going to push him out. I had a few more medication adjustments and right after a heavy bolus of medication Dr. Dolloff came back to check me and I was ready to push around 9:30am on Tuesday December 15th. 
Since I couldn’t feel much we had to wait for the medication to wear off a little. So we waited about 45 minutes and she came back and we started to push. The first hour of pushing went pretty quickly and I got in a zone. After that I started to get discouraged and exhausted. I couldn’t see or feel if I was making progress and it was frustrating. At one point I let my epidural wear off too much and was no longer pushing well. Thankfully anesthesia came in one more time and gave me a little medication to help with the pain. After this pushing was much better. I could feel the pressure and some pain but had control and began pushing well. 
I didn’t think I would want a mirror but in the moment it helped to see the progress I was making. At one point they asked if I wanted to reach down and feel his head. It was so crazy and amazing. Through all of this Scott was such an amazing coach and Beth was amazingly helpful. I ended up getting a pretty bad muscle spasm in my back on the left side and both Beth and Scott helped massage it out in between pushing. 
Scott gave me sips of water between exhausting pushes. I was incredibly worn out. Finally at 12:24pm on Tuesday December 15, 2015 Ezra Allen Levesque came into the world crying, pink and perfect with Apgar’s of 9 & 9 and I bawled my eyes out!!!! He was finally here after six years of infertility and six miscarriages. I couldn’t stop crying tears of joy, relief, exhaustion and thankfulness to God for our perfect boy. I got to hold him right away and it was amazing. 
He weighed 7 lbs 4 oz and was 20 inches long. After they started his assessment I started bleeding pretty badly so they had to give me a lot of medications to stop the bleeding. All of the meds hit me as my epidural was wearing off and my bladder filled with a lot of urine. All of this happening brought my pain from a 4-5 to a 9. With the bleeding and pain they were worried I was retaining blood clots in my uterus so they had to push very hard on my uterus multiple times. I was literally crying out in pain. After giving me stronger pain meds and emptying my bladder I started to feel a little better. The meds they gave cause a fever so at first I was freezing and couldn’t get enough blankets. Then I was so hot I was ripping them off of me. 
Because of all of this they kept me in labor and delivery longer to monitor me. I also wasn’t able to hold Ezra for a while or breast feed due to exhaustion, pain and complications. I was so thankful to Jackie, Kathy, Louise, and Christine for taking care of me and my son during this time. Once I started feeling better I was able to hold him again and feed. After this we were transferred to postpartum later in the evening. 
It was the most amazing, challenging and physically exhausting experience of my life. I’m so glad we are both healthy and happy three weeks in. It’s so crazy to think that three weeks has already passed. Motherhood is a completely new, exciting, terrifying and challenging experience in itself and I’m so blessed to experience it. Postpartum baby blues were really tough on me for the first two weeks but we have learned how to adjust. I love my son more than I could have imagined. 
Scott is such an amazing Dad and husband and I couldn’t ask for more. God has blessed me immensely. 
   
 

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22 Weeks <3

I don’t write as much being pregnant because I go through such a wide range of emotions.  I want to be ECSTATIC about everything but I’m also very cautious and worried.  God is helping me work through the anxiety but it’s very difficult.  I know the anxiety and fears stem from our history of loss and working in L&D.  I’ve learned a great deal working where I do but the downside to that is knowing what can go wrong.  All that to say I want to still keep this blog updated but often times I don’t know what to say.  Currently today I’m 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  Our baby boy is growing well and everything looks healthy.  I’m so grateful for the blessing of our son.

For so many years when we would get pregnant I guarded my heart because I knew what might come next.  Heartbreak, loss, grief, and then we’d fight to get back to “normal”.  The truth is there is no “normal” after six miscarriages.  I thought once we got pregnant and we were successful that I’d feel much better about the pregnancy.  The truth is, much to my surprise, a lot of those feelings haven’t gone away.  I still prepare myself for heartbreak, loss, grief and the achievement of normal.  Slowly, God is helping me learn to expect the miraculous, the positive and choose hope.  It scares me but I’m starting to look forward instead of behind me.

We’ve registered at Babies R Us, picked out a paint color for his nursery, named him and started to receive gifts.  It makes things feel so real.  I was just telling my Mom today I still have days where I wake up and go, “OH!  I’m pregnant!!!”  I know all of these things seem so silly and those of you who are amidst infertility probably think I’m terrible (I don’t blame you at all).  I never thought I would have these reactions but maybe there are those of you out there who feel the same and in that case I still want to reach out and let you know its ok.

I feel relief in actually having a “high risk” pregnancy.  I receive ultrasound monitoring by Maternal Fetal Medicine every three weeks.  They have kept me high risk and monitor the baby and I every few weeks due to a couple factors.  One being our history.  With that history I went through multiple GYN procedures which put me at an increased risk to dilate my cervix early.  I also have Low Papp-A which is a protein that the placenta makes and having a low level puts the baby at a slightly higher risk to have low birth weight.  If his growth slows down a lot then they would want to know that.  So far he’s measuring a little bigger – 23.5 weeks at 22.5 weeks so everything looks good so far.

Here are our scans at 19 & 22 weeks 🙂

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And here’s a bump picture from 19 weeks 🙂

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It’s been a whirlwind so far but we are enjoying lots of milestones.  Scott felt him move for the first time this past week.  I’m also looking forward to getting past viability (24 weeks!) so only a week and a half to go!  Also, my shower will be in early October and by then I will be 28 weeks!  I feel like time is starting to go a little faster which is super exciting.  I just can’t wait to meet our handsome man and see what he looks like!!!

I have another scan in a couple weeks so I will try to update then.  Thanks for reading!

17 Weeks

We’re almost half way there!  I still have days where I don’t really believe I’m pregnant.  I think its a way of protecting myself as I still fear that things will go wrong.  It’s been tough mentally but I’m so grateful for this whole experience.  I haven’t written much due to not feeling well in the first trimester, being busy at work and not really knowing what to say.

For many years I knew exactly how I felt and why.  But being pregnant after infertility and miscarriage comes with it’s own unique challenges.  It’s a mental battle to stay positive and hope for the best.  I’m starting to learn how to look forward and prepare for good things to come instead of brace myself.  Please don’t get me wrong that I’m not enjoying this or loving the experience because I truly am.  I already love this little one and it makes me scared to lose them.  Everything is starting to feel more real since we found out what we’re having!!!!  We found out this past week we are having……

A BOY!!!!!  We are both very excited and it’s so much fun to know a little more about him, call him by name and enjoy this experience.  We found out on our 7 year wedding anniversary and had the doctor wrap a onesie that we opened at dinner.  Scott recorded me opening the onesie.  Since I can’t upload a video, here are some screen shots of me opening the onesie:

We are looking forward to having a son and meeting him late December/early January.  I still think of many of you often who are still struggling and my heart is always heavy for you.  I never thought this would happen to me and maybe you feel the same.  If you’re struggling I’m thinking and praying for you.  I hope God grants you the desires of your heart.

The Post I’ve ALWAYS Wanted to Write

I haven’t written in a while because Scott and I were in the process of buying our first home!

House

We are so happy to have a place to call our own…unexpectedly, and little to our knowledge, God decided to give us another HUGE blessing….A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  After 5 1/2 years of infertility, four rounds of IVF, six miscarriages, heartbreak, loss and so many other emotions we conceived NATURALLY!  We’ve had natural pregnancies in the past but no pregnancy has been this successful and yesterday on May 8th, 2015 Scott and I witnessed the beating heart of our baby!!!!  At 122 beats per minute our little one is thriving and growing exactly as their suppose to.  We are elated.  This is the furthest we’ve made it in any pregnancy and the first time we have ever seen a heartbeat.  The picture doesn’t do it justice but its the most beautiful thing ever (in our eyes of course) 🙂 – we are excited to announce Baby Levesque coming January 1st, 2015.  We are currently just over 6 weeks.

Baby

Prayers for the health of the baby and peace for us would be so appreciated.  Thank you for following our journey this long and for all of your prayers and support.

Hebrews 10:23, NLT, “Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep His promise.”

That verse was given to me years ago…and has been my anchor of hope in so many dark times.  Thank you Lord for this blessing – we pray health, wellness, and protection over our baby!

Why Don’t You Just Adopt???

I have heard this so many times over our five year journey to have biological kids.  I’m going to try and stay level headed when explaining this because I don’t think people realize how hurtful this is.  Resolve New England posted a video to their Facebook page today that really hits the nail on the head – take a look.

Don’t get me wrong I think adoption is a beautiful and amazing thing and Scott and I will eventually adopt no matter what our circumstance but it isn’t a cure for our infertility.  Let me say that again, ITS NOT A CURE FOR OUR INFERTILITY.  My ovaries won’t suddenly surge with eggs if we adopt.  And all of the things that have happened and all of the tears that we’ve cried and the heartbreak we’ve had wont suddenly disappear if/when we adopt.

So many people have said, “You know, my neighbors adopted and a year later they were pregnant!!!”  First off, if we adopt it wont be in hopes of getting pregnant after that.  Second of all, if that’s what happened for your neighbor that’s wonderful, but it doesn’t mean it happens for everyone.  In fact, it DOESN’T happen like that for most people.  And lastly, it really takes the beauty away from the adoption experience.  Adoption comes with it’s own ups and downs – there is no need to make it more complicated by adding in all of the emotion of failed IVF’s, miscarriages and infertility.

Speaking of emotions, ups and downs and a whole new experience, adoption is long and exhausting and comes with risks as well.  It’s not a simple process – which I’m not sure people are aware of when they offer it so obviously.  Some of you who know us or have followed our story for a while know we almost adopted two years ago.  But I put the process on hold because I wasn’t ready.  It takes a lot of things to come together emotionally, financially, spiritually, physically and mentally at the same time.  And to be honest we aren’t quite there yet either.  I have a strong desire in my heart to adopt but I also have a strong desire to be pregnant and give birth.  It’s human nature.  I’m glad God gave me both of those desires because it’s a special thing for me.

But whatever we decide to do next whether it’s pursue fertility treatment again, take a break, or adopt, we just ask for your support, prayer and awareness that these decisions don’t come easily and they are heavy with emotion and struggle.  We appreciate your support and understanding.

Please be aware with us and so many other people that your words carry a lot of weight.  What you say to infertile’s affect’s us more that you realize – for the better or worse.

Lastly, with the start of the New Year, Scott and I will be starting a new blog TOGETHER.  We will be covering topics together and individually.  I will write a separate post explaining everything soon but I’m very excited to start blogging about infertility and all it’s aspects from both of our perspectives.  Stay tuned!  You can read Scott’s first entry here – it’s SO good!

Struggle

*This post is not intended for pity or complaining.  I hope it doesn’t come across that way – I just wanted to keep those of you who’ve been following our story up to date and ask for prayer.

I’m really struggling this Christmas.  I think every Christmas is hard when you miss a loved one, if you’re struggling to have children, or whatever it may be.  And this year is especially difficult for us.

Scott and I recently, and quietly, went through our fourth round of IVF.  The entire process was wonderful and went extremely smoothly.  As some of you who’ve been following our journey for sometime may remember, we’ve had pregnancies from each previous round of IVF.  Granted we have lost those pregnancies, but we were somewhat successful.

On 12/13/14 we transferred two beautiful embryos into my womb in hopes that this would be it.  Even though our past is ugly on this journey we were full of hope that it would work.  Unfortunately, this round yielded no pregnancy whatsoever.  If I thought I was prepared to be unsuccessful – I wasn’t.

I was really hoping to share the gift of life with our families and friends this holiday season and now I’m having to share why I may not seem in the Christmas spirit.  It’s extremely difficult.

Before going into this round Scott and I pretty much decided that this would be it for now – regardless of the outcome.  It feels like the end of this part of our journey and it obviously didn’t turn out how we wanted it to.

It’s tough because I know our family and friends are still hopeful that success lies in our future of having biological children.  I am so grateful for their positive outlook and hope but I cannot continue this journey like this.  Scott and I are emotionally exhausted.  Six losses and a failed IVF is a lot for one couple to go through.  Especially when some of those losses include fertility treatment as well.

We’ve had five different OBGYN’s and Reproductive Endocrinologists review our history and try different things.  We’ve been trying to have children this way for five years.  We’ve tried naturally, ovulation induction, not trying at all, four rounds of IVF, and eastern medicine and nothing has worked.  We have remained faithful to God and still believe having children is for us – just maybe not the way we had anticipated.  We appreciate the stories of success that may have worked for others (i.e. your friend of a friend, coworker, sister, aunt, etc.) but we are not those people and we have given a valiant effort this way.  Our doctors have been extremely competent and knowledgeable and it’s just not working.  So understand that we appreciate the suggestions – we just wont be pursuing them.

We’ve had pretty much every test under the sun run on us and despite my Diminished Ovarian Reserve there are no other obvious issues.  Needless to say, I think we are done for now.  Maybe we will try this way again in the future but not right now.  We just cant.

That alone is so hard to accept.  We’ve been FIGHTING and TRYING SO HARD for FIVE YEARS!!!  And to come to this point of, “What the heck do we do next?!” and that feeling that comes with it is indescribable.  It’s going to take time and tears and healing and A LOT of prayer for the both of us.

So this holiday season pray for those who may be struggling.  Whether its because of infertility, miscarriage, the loss of a loved one, financial difficulties, etc.  The holidays can be a reminder of the things we thought would be different or the things we wished would have gone better.  If you’re one of those people please know that you’re heavily on my heart – and if you’re not please pray for us.  We could use it.

October 15th, 2014

I remember the day so clearly.  It was about five years ago and Scott and I had finally made the decision to go off birth control.  We had recently celebrated our one year anniversary and felt like it was the right time.  We both love children and each other and we wanted to have our kids at a younger age.  We were both out of college, living in Alaska and settling into married life, it felt SO right.  It was mid October 2009 and we were very excited.  I finished that pack of birth control pills and I remember throwing those sugar pills in the trash with such vigor and hope.  I wasn’t so naive that I thought we’d get pregnant right away but I was only 22 and Scott only 25.  We were both young and healthy and at a wonderful place in life…

Flash forward FIVE YEARS LATER.  That’s half of a decade.  Since that mid October day we’ve gone through trying and failing over and over and over.  We’ve tried Clomid, Femara, Natural Cycles, Diet Changes, Lifestyle Changes, IVF w/ ICSI x3, Prayer, more prayer, lots of prayer, oh…did I mention PRAYER?  And on and on and on.  Five years later our arms are still empty and our hearts are extremely heavy.  We’ve had 6 known early miscarriages including an ectopic pregnancy.  To be extremely blunt, it has been horrific.  Infertility and miscarriage is horrific.  It’s a very deep and personal and life altering experience.  I’m nowhere near the person I was five years ago, and neither is Scott.

Today, I sit in our apartment outside of Boston, MA.  I’m now 27, I’ve gone back to school, graduated, moved up in my career and most of all, I’ve had to learn how to live this life all over again.  Scott is back in school for his masters and working as an Assistant Director at the college he’s attending.  We’ve stepped away from ministry and focused on the family that we have now.  We’ve taken time to heal and to grieve.  Amidst these five years we’ve also lost Scott’s Dad, Grandmother, beloved family members and friends.  It’s been five years of death and heartache.  We’ve also sold everything we owned and moved across the entire United States.  Change, heartache, loss, death.  If you’re musical in any way it might make you think of that stinkin awesome P!nk song “The Great Escape”.

There have been plenty of times where I wanted to just check out and stop dealing with it all.  Ignore the past, pray to not want children, pray to forget all of the things that happened, pretend like they never did, or just pretend like I was ok.  Well, a word from the wise: THAT DOES NOT WORK.  It will tear you a part.  I finally decided to do something different.

About a year ago I started seeing a therapist who’s trained in infertility and miscarriage support.  It’s been wonderful.  I focus on putting good things in my body.  Good food, good advice, vitamins and nutrients, positive thoughts, encouragement, prayer, words from good friends, and I’ve stopped letting the bad in.  All of the stress, doubt, worry, fear, hopelessness, etc.  Of course I still have my bad days but I’m getting better.  Doing these things has made me a new person.  I’ve accepted what has happened to me and I know that I have not failed even with evidence to the contrary.

I recently watched the entire series of One Tree Hill.  One of the monologues that character Whitey Durham speaks is so moving.

“It’s been 50 years, 50 long years since I’ve done this. Looking back at what I said all those years ago and all the hopes and dreams I had, I’ve come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to, is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I’m a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life’s disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. And recognize that every day won’t be sunny.  But when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair, remember it’s only in the black of night that you can see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble, to fall because most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you’ll get everything you wished for, maybe you’ll get more than you ever could’ve imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end the journey is the destination.”

The stars.  Ever since I’ve heard and read this speech I look at the stars in comfort that my little guardian angels are with me, watching over Scott and I.  It’s so comforting.  It makes my heart break a little less and the journey more bearable

I’ve laid my story and struggle out for you in this specific post on this specific day for a very personal reason.  Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Today is a day to remember, to reflect and to feel.  I no longer will “escape” my journey or my feelings and I will no longer hold on to the past or be afraid to make mistakes or stumble or fall.  This literally is the story of my life.  This is my journey to becoming the person that God wants me to be.  To be the woman, the wife the mother, the Christian that I’m designed and destined to be.

This journey has been so difficult and so gut wrenching and heart breaking at times but I’ve become a person I am proud of.  A person I’m comfortable with.  On this day, October 15th, 2014, on this day of remembrance, I have lit a candle with two flames.  One is in remembrance of our (Scott and I’s) babies, our losses and our journey.  The other is for all of my sweet friends and loved ones that have lost a baby(s).  My heart is so heavy for you.  I love you all and I pray that someday soon we can look back at this journey with relief and praise that we made it through.  Not unchanged but that we survived and we’re proud of the people we become on the other side.

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Lastly I will leave you with this:

Isaiah 43:16-19 NLT, “I am the LORD, who opened a way through the waters, making a dry path through the sea.  I called forth the mighty army of Egypt with all its chariots and horses.  I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned, their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick.  But forget about all that- it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.  For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun!  Do you see it?  I will make a pathway through the wilderness.  I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”

This really renewed and restored my hope upon reflecting on my journey today.  Sometimes with everything that’s happened I begin to wonder if we will ever be successful in having a biological child.  But how this verse describes God creating rivers in the wasteland made my heart FULL!  My womb feels empty and defective and my ovaries may hold bad eggs and it very well may be a wasteland.  But I believe and have faith in a God who is going to do something great in my family.  Scott and I are a FAMILY and we will be blessed.  I don’t know how or when but this wasteland is about to get a remodel.  I can feel it.

Don’t Take it for Granted

Luke 6:37 says, “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven.”

With that said, this post is not to be taken as a judgement or condemnation. It’s a reminder to all of us out there to be grateful for the gifts we’ve been given, material or sentimental.

Matthew 5:8 (MSG) says, “You’re blessed when you get your inside world- your mind and heart- put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.”

With everything that I’ve faced, miscarriage, infertility, relocation, death of loved ones, and many of life’s other struggles, I’ve had the opportunity to get my “inside world” rattled. I’ve had my really good days and my really bad days with everything in between. And along the way I’ve encountered many different types of people. But the ones who I don’t get the most are the ungrateful ones. The one’s who despite what they have are not aware of how blessed they are.

If you’ve had the BLESSING of Motherhood please recognize that. Maybe its not easy (it’s not suppose to be) or maybe you weren’t prepared, or ready or wanted it when it happened – regardless it happened. Be THANKFUL for it. Many of us haven’t and won’t experience it. It’s something we want so badly but yet we don’t have it. But you do. Maybe your 18 or maybe your 80 – or somewhere in between. But if you’re reading this and you have children- do me a favor, call them, text them, whatever it is and tell them you love them and are proud of them. Maybe they are 2 months old and don’t quite understand you – tell them anyway. Get in the habit of telling them now because trust me they’ll appreciate it later. Your children need to hear that they are loved – even if they are 2 months or full grown and have children of their own.

Maybe you’ve messed up with them – caused them pain or disappointed them somehow – apologize. Parents aren’t always right. Forgive and you will be forgiven. Get your inside world right so you can see God in all of the blessings in your life – especially your children.

I sincerely hope one day I get to complain about sleepless nights or staying awake until my 17 year old gets home from the Prom. I hope I get to watch them have children and every moment a proud parent dreams of. I know it’s not all roses and rainbows – I was a kid once and caused trouble a time or two – but it’s still a blessing. And it’s never too late to make your children feel special or loved. Appreciate what you have because some of us aren’t so blessed in that area. In others yes but this blessing is such a unique and special one. Don’t take it for granted.

Pregnancy is NOT Always Beautiful

Words of a wise woman.  I was talking to a good friend of mine today – who also works in Labor & Delivery with me.  We were talking about the poor outcomes we’ve seen and some experiences I’ve had in trying to carry a successful pregnancy.  Then the words came out of her mouth, “pregnancy is not always beautiful.”  Bam.  Hit the nail on the head.  Someone who just gets it and she’s never been through it herself.

I’ve confided in her from time to time because she just gives great advice.  She’s encouraging and uplifting and never negative or says something stupid.  She’s a relatively new friend but I’m so thankful to have her in my life now.

As we’ve taken a break from infertility testing and treatment all together it’s been tough to have something to write about.  It crosses my mind everyday but I just don’t know what to say.  The words have escaped me lately.  Until today.

People often wonder why I write about such a sensitive topic and can’t fathom why “I would put such personal information out there.”  Well, its because not all women know they don’t have to suffer, grieve and agonize in silence.  When you lose a pregnancy or a baby a part of your soul dies with that child – very straight forward.  You lose a piece of yourself you will never get back.  And that is ugly, wretched, horrible, gut wrenching and depressing.  That pregnancy is not beautiful.

Yet we still find ourselves as a society shying away and saying all the wrong things like, “maybe you having a miscarriage is a sign to stop trying” – yes I heard those words spoken to another human being recently.  They are lucky it wasn’t me because I would have had a lot more to say than “THAT was a HORRIBLE thing to say!  HORRIBLE!!!”  That’s all I could manage without losing control of my anger.

That is why I blog.  That is why my story is “public”.  Sure I don’t share every single detail here but I share a good portion.  Let’s get real people.  This is life.  This is my struggle along with thousands upon thousands of other women.  Think before you speak and understand grief is a fickle thing and no one should do it alone.

My pregnancies haven’t been beautiful.  They’ve been stressful, anxiety ridden, exhausting, sad and ended in the death of my babies.  Just because the baby is gone doesn’t mean the stress, anxiety and exhaustion goes away.  I still deal with that everyday.  Yes everyday.  That’s what is real here.  

I may not be consistent on when I blog but I will never stop speaking out about pregnancy and infant loss until people stop saying stupid things and start being compassionate for things that make them uncomfortable.  You don’t have to understand something to have compassion – my friend proved that today.  You just need an open heart, open mind and open arms.  

Kid Cancer Sucks!!!!

Yep I’m going there.  Why you may ask yourself?  It really has nothing to do with what I usually talk about which is infertility and miscarriage.  I disagree!  These families are losing their children after spending many nights rocking them to sleep, cuddling them and guiding them.  Babies, toddlers, and children are dying and its awful.  Its terrible and there aren’t enough words in the english language to describe this. 

I’ve recently had this touch my heart deeply.  So much so that I will be participating in NSTARs Walk for Boston Children’s Hospital on my birthday June 8th.  I would love it if you would support my team:  Team Mason Strong.  Please take a moment and read this boy’s story.  We are all trying to have healthy children.  Lets keep the ones that make it to this earth by advancing cancer research in the most needed area.  Please read his story and donate even if its only $10.  I truly appreciate it!!!!

Visit his story here, and thanks for reading:  http://fundraise.childrenshospital.org/site/TR/Walk/Walk?px=1287567&pg=personal&fr_id=1090